The Tapestry of Alex's Life
Alex sat in my virtual office, a kaleidoscope of emotions swirling behind their eyes. "It's like I'm a moth drawn to a flame, professor," they said, their voice a low, melodic murmur. "I just keep chasing people who can't—or won't—catch me."
Alex, a non-binary person in their early thirties, had come to me for support with a "constant hum of overwhelm" and a "crushing weight of self-doubt." On the surface, their life was a collection of impressive achievements, yet beneath it lay a profound sense of loneliness. Their relational history was a series of intense, but short-lived, connections—almost exclusively with married or emotionally unavailable men. This wasn't a choice they consciously made; it was a deeply ingrained pattern that felt both painful and, paradoxically, familiar.
The Invisible Threads of Attachment
Alex's story is a classic example of anxious-preoccupied attachment in action. This attachment style, a concept foundational to Bowlby and Ainsworth's work, is born from a history of inconsistent caregiving. A child learns that their parent is sometimes there for them, but sometimes not, creating a core belief that love is something to be anxiously pursued rather than securely received.
For Alex, this translated into an unconscious compulsion to recreate this dynamic in their adult relationships. Their pursuit of emotionally unavailable partners was a painful, yet predictable, cycle. The chase, the moments of intense connection followed by emotional distance, and the longing for a love that felt just out of reach, mirrored the very inconsistencies that shaped their early life. This created a feeling of intensity that Alex often mistook for intimacy, a concept central to Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). The intense highs and lows of these relationships provided a sense of being alive, a powerful but fleeting substitute for the genuine emotional safety and co-regulation they truly craved.
In our work, we explored how Alex's tendency to suppress emotions was a protective measure. As a child, expressing needs or vulnerabilities may have been met with dismissal, leading to the painful paradox: a deep craving for connection sabotaged by the very coping mechanisms designed to protect them from further hurt.
The Double Helix of Neurodiversity and Identity
The "constant hum of overwhelm" Alex described was not just a symptom of their attachment style; it was also a direct reflection of their ADHD neurobiology. As a dual-diagnosed individual, the anxiety from their insecure attachment exacerbated their ADHD symptoms, while the challenges with emotional regulation and impulsivity common with ADHD made it harder to break free from these reactive relational patterns. This intricate feedback loop, a concept explored by researchers like Russell Barkley and Thomas Brown, created a cycle of dysregulation that felt nearly impossible to escape.
To make matters more complex, Alex’s non-binary identity introduced a significant layer of external invalidation. The world’s consistent "misrecognition and a sense of not being fully seen" poured salt on these deep-seated attachment wounds. When your authentic identity is not affirmed, it reinforces the core belief that you must hide or adapt to be accepted. This external invalidation deepened Alex's sense of isolation, sometimes triggering a nervous system "freeze" response where they would feel numb or dissociated.
Weaving a New TapestryThrought
The profound power of Alex's story, as a composite case, is that it illustrates the deep, often invisible, interplay between our lived experiences and our neurobiology, particularly through the lens of Brené Brown's seminal work on shame and vulnerability. Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection." For Alex, this shame is not just an emotion; it is a foundational belief, an invisible thread woven into the tapestry of their life.
The Power of "I Am Not Enough"
Alex's "hum of overwhelm" and "immense self-doubt" are classic manifestations of shame, which Brown describes as the fear of disconnection. The deep, unconscious belief of being "unworthy of love and belonging" is a constant internal battle. If, as a child, Alex's neurodivergent traits or authentic identity were met with subtle disapproval, they would have likely internalized the message: "Something is wrong with me." This foundational shame led to the continuous, exhausting effort to "fix" themselves to be acceptable to others, creating the very overwhelm they experience.
The pursuit of emotionally unavailable partners is a textbook example of how this shame plays out in relationships. This pattern, while painful, is a way to reinforce the unconscious belief that they must work harder to earn love, a familiar and predictable dynamic born from early inconsistency. The intensity of these relationships is mistaken for intimacy, a concept Brown would argue is a form of "armoring up" to avoid the vulnerability required for true connection. Instead of allowing themselves to be seen, Alex's pattern keeps genuine intimacy at a distance, a protective strategy against their deepest fear: that if they are truly known, they will be found unworthy and abandoned.
The Antidote: Vulnerability and Empathy
Brown's work offers a clear path forward through her Shame Resilience Theory. This framework provides Alex with the tools to deconstruct their painful patterns and build a life of authenticity and connection.
Recognizing Shame and its Triggers: The first step is to recognize when they are in the grip of shame. For Alex, this means learning to identify the "hot wash" of self-criticism that arises when they feel misunderstood or unseen, especially in relation to their non-binary identity. This awareness is a pivotal first step, as shame thrives in secrecy and silence.
Practicing Critical Awareness: Alex must question the external messages that fuel their shame. The "misrecognition" of their identity by a world that operates in a binary framework is not a flaw in Alex; it is a flaw in the system. This critical awareness helps Alex separate their personal worth from the unrealistic expectations of society.
Reaching Out and Speaking Shame: Shame cannot survive when met with empathy. For Alex, this means cultivating connections with a small circle of trusted, affirming individuals with whom they can be their full, vulnerable self. Sharing their story, their fears, and their struggles with safe people allows them to hear the powerful words "me too," which serves as the ultimate antidote to shame's isolating power.
Embracing Vulnerability as a Strength: For Alex, this is the most challenging but most transformative step. Brown defines vulnerability not as weakness but as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." It is the courage to say "I love you" first, to be fully present in a relationship without a guarantee, and to show up and be seen in all their imperfect, neurodivergent glory. It is in these moments of brave vulnerability that Alex can build the self-worth they have always sought externally.
Alex's journey is a powerful testament to the idea that by daring to be vulnerable, we can move from a place of "I am not enough" to "I am enough." It is a process of reclaiming one's story and, as Brown suggests, telling it with our whole heart. This is the path to truly "daring greatly."